The Death of Courting

I had to take a hiatus because of motherly duties but I am baaaacccckkk! While I was on hiatus, I was doing a lot of soul searching and trying to determine what I want when it comes to my personal, dating life.  Wellllllll…   I am tired of the whole sex thing.  I am tired of the s/ps, FBs, FWBs, Friends, or whatever title men and women like to give to their casual sexual relationships (Please see previous post describing the different sexual relationship statuses).  I am tired of being an option for men, I want to be THE OPTION for ONE man.   I want to court, be courted.  “What is this?”, you ask.  Well, I did some minor research and came across several definitions.  Not only definitions but it was mentioned that there is a difference between “courting” and “dating”.   “Courting” is the art of getting to know each other to determine if you want to be engaged or potentially married to one another. The guy is mainly the suitor and try to pursue and influence the woman that he is interested in being with her in a long-term, committed relationship.  Neither party is interested in or pursing others but are only interested in one another.   “Dating” is actively, pursuing romantic relationships with different people usually at the same time.  When a person is dating, they are not focus on one person like courting but several people.    I want ONE man to actively, pursue me with the intent of being with me for a lifetime.  In the olden days, the man focused on “wooing” the lady to persuade her that he was the one for her and that he could provide for and support her.   In this day and age, it is hard to find a man that is willing to invest the time and attention it takes to court a lady.  My opinion is if time was spent in courting a person, then the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high, etc.   People would spend the time to get to know the intricacies of one another and determine if this person is really someone that they want to be with for a lifetime.  A very important part to courting is there is usually no sexual involvement.  No intimate interactions.  It is merely spending time going places, going on dates, having long conversations and determining each other’s goals and aspirations.  It is taking the time to determine if you really fit with one another.   I want to remove all of the complicated, obstacles that prevents me from getting to really know a man.  I want to go on dates and be the focus of the ONLY focus of that man and not others.   I want the wining and dining. The late night talks, the long conversations, the intimate moments of just being with one another and it not be sexual but intellectual, stimulation that arouses the deepest areas of my soul.   Courting no longer exists in our culture with the onset of media bombarding us with sexual images every where we go and reiterating that sex sells, we have lost the fine art of courting and really getting to know one another before becoming sexual with each other.   Nowadays, we are intimate before we even begin seriously dating one another.   I want more for me….I want to be THE OPTION not an option.    

My Theory

I was going to write about why men today shy away from commitment. My initial theory was that there are more women then men but after reading the CIA’s “world reports” that theory doesn’t ring true. So, why do men shy away from commitment? Well…according to an article that I found on eHarmony, there are 10 reasons .

1.He’s not over his ex– a very good reason to not want to commit. There may be an inkling of hope that he may be able to hook up with his ex again especially if it was the ex that ended the relationship. This can also apply to women. I know there were times I did not want to be in a relationship because I thought I was in love with my exes and may be, just may be, we could get back together and work things out. Hope can be a good thing but sometimes it can be debilitating and prevent us from doing what we know we should really do…move on.

2.He had a bad experience with his ex—well this sort of falls in line with the previous reason. The bad experience keeps him from wanting to be hurt again. He is proceeding with caution because he is trying to protect his feelings and trying to ensure that he won’t repeat the same experience/mistake that happened with his ex.
3.He is already involved–women we know the signs. He texts or call you at awkward times or he takes his sweet time responding to yours or even worse, he doesn’t answer your calls or texts. He is unavailable for important events in your life; doesn’t have time to spend with you; or is always busy. The saying goes… “if he wanted to be a part of your life, he would think you were important enough and make the time…”

4.He is totally happy with his life–let’s face it, some people are happy with the single life. They enjoy the freedom of moving around when they choose or please. Not having to compromise or waiting for others input to make decisions. They may value their family and friends more than they value dating and may only be looking for a companion to spend time with on an intermittent basis.

5.It’s all about the money–Some men want to be financially stable to provide for his family in the future. He may want to provide for you. Take you places that he believes you deserve to go. One of the main instincts of men is to provide. If he values being a true provider, then he will place that above anything else and wait until he is able to provide for you and may be a family.

6.He’s a romance junkie–I think this relates more to women then men. There are some men who are romantics, who like the IDEA of being in love and the events that lead up to commitment but when it comes time to commit…that’s a different story.

7.He’s feeling pushed–Men DO NOT LIKE BEING PUSHED. The harder we try to make a man commit to us the faster he will run. When a man is being pushed to commit, it is like he is being forced to do something he may not be sure about. He may be uncertain that you are the one and your pushing him to commit is reinforcing that uncertainty. Like with everything in life, it takes time. Let things happen naturally… “Good things come to those who wait…”

8.He’s not ready for the responsibility–Some men are just not mentally prepared or mature enough to want to commit. They feel it may be a huge burden. A commitment comes with great responsibility. You no longer are thinking about yourself now you are also taking into consideration the person you are committed to. This person becomes a priority, not necessarily your number one priority, but within your top five. This can be mind boggling and overwhelming to some.

9.Here is one of my favorites because more than likely it is the one that rings true for most of us…simply put, he just wants sex. He doesn’t want all the other convoluted stuff that goes along with being committed…he just wants the simple pleasure of sex….much like the friends with benefits that I mentioned in one of my previous posts.

10.Lastly, he’s just not interested–hey, it happens, even to the best of us…he just doesn’t like you…he isn’t attracted to you…he thinks you are nice… but he may not be able to tell you point blank he isn’t interested…so he strings you along until you realize on your own accord that he isn’t interested and that it is time to move on. We, women, do the same thing. we have experiences where we are not interested but we do not know how to gently let a person know and we day-by-day withdraw from the situation until the other person realizes or comprehends it is not going to work…

http://www.eharmony.com/dating-advice/dating/10-reasons-he-wont-commit/#.UdN_ucPD9rQ

Initially, when I was thinking about this post I was going to state the reason why men do not commit is because there are more women then men. The idea that the grass is greener and they have an array, smorgasbord, to choose from. They may be afraid to commit because something better may come along. We, women, also play a part. We bring baggage from previous relationships and make it hard for men to live up to our expectations.

We may not want to compromise when it comes to our wants or desires concerning the men we date but when we put limitations on what we expect from men. We decrease our dating pool…we may be missing out on the one that God intended us to be with…we may be excluding the ones that we truly need to be with…if things are not working the way you would like them to and you keep winding up with the same type of men…the change may be you…

Gentlemen, Good Men

I thought I would never say this but….ummmm, yeah, good men do still exist. I have had the pleasure of meeting two. Why do I say these men are good? Well, because…

1.Most importantly, they didn’t try groping me or molesting me.
2.They ask for hugs instead of demanding or taking them.
3.They seem concern for my well being. Checking on me periodically to see how I am doing. Calling me during the thunderstorm we experience the other day to make sure I was ok and in a safe place.
4.Lastly, but very important, they did not want sex the first time meeting or spending time with me. Completely shocking, I know!

What are a characteristics of a good man? I really don’t know… But for me, a good man is someone who is honest and genuine at all times and doesn’t compromise who they are for something that they want. A good man is confident and in control of their life and situation and mean you no harm. A man that adds to your situation to enhance your quality of life, not take away from your situation or deteriorate your quality of life.

According to Ask Men, the top ten traits of a real (good) man are:

1.Strong
2.Focused
3.Family oriented
4.Doesn’t participate in Gossip
5.Role Model material
6.Trust-Worthy
7.Professional-Provider
8.Looks like a Man
9.House in Order
10.Protector

http://www.askmen.com/money/mafioso_60/98_mafia.html

An article on http://www.healthguidance.org, lists the following characteristics of a good man: integrity, honesty, maturity, positive attitude and self-confidence.

http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/15298/1/Characteristics-of-a-Good-Man.html

Only you can really determine what is a good man. You know your requirements and limitations. The same for men that are seeking a good woman. For me, I do believe that these men still exist and I have the pleasure of encountering two of them. I pray that more exist and others have the luxury of meeting them.

Motherhood and Dating

Being a single, mother is difficult within itself but when you add dating into the mix, it makes the situation even more complicated. Some of the men that I have encountered do not understand that I do not get to take a break from being a mother.

I would like to have the opportunity to date and spend quality time with them but the demands of being a mother is very demanding and consuming. At times, I am sadden because I have yet determine how to balance motherhood with dating. If anyone has any ideas, advice or suggestions, please share them. I would love to be enlightened.

Until then I will continue to put my child first and my needs second. Although it is very amusing at times because my son is always telling, “Mommy, you need a man!” Lol…but, he wants me to spend all my time with him playing Xbox. I don’t mind. I actually enjoy playing Xbox and the Call of Duty and Modern Warfare series with him. Plus, it allows the opportunity to relate to men and their videogame playing.

If any men are reading this, I hope they will become more understanding and forgiving. Being a single mother, isn’t easy. This may apply to the single fathers, too. There are men that have custody of their children and may experience the same trial and tribulations that we women experience. I would love to hear the perspective of being single fathers and dating…

The World of Dating

I apologize for the long lag in my writing. Beginning with this week, I will be posting at least once a week.

I have been thinking about this passage for a while. I wanted to make others aware of dating terms and to discuss some of these terms in length. In today’s society, a lot of different dating statuses are acceptable, more so than in the past. Some of the most popular dating terms that are acceptable or discussed are Friends, Friends with Benefits (FWBs), Sex Buddies (FB)–the other word is used but I wanted to keep this as PG as possible, Side Piece (SPs), Mistresses and one particular term, I cannot stand, is Thirstiness or Thirsty. I know some of you are like what in the world. What do some of these terms mean?!?

Friends

Why is this even considered a status? Because men and women use this word loosely to describe each other as being “friends” but it carries more meaning then your typical friends. This status allows you to continue seeing the person you consider a friend while dating others. You know that when you need someone to talk with, spend time with, or be intitmate with you, you can turn to this person. This person will be there throughout your dating adventures, castrophoes and will not judge or manipulate you but be there always. Basically, Friends with Initimacy.

Friends with Benefits (FWBs)

According to the http://www.urbandictionary.com, FWBs is “two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically, two good friends who have causaul sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment.” This is extremely similar to friends status. The difference is that casual sex is more prevalent in this relationship. You have the benefit of being friends and lovers. It is usually a win-win situation for both parties until one of the parties because more emotionally attached. Then you risk the chance of losing the relationships, its perks and your friend. Although there is no commitment and the definition given by Urban Dictionary states otherwise, there is usually emotions and feelings involved, more in-depth and intense than friends.

Sex Buddies

Sex Buddies is strictly for the purpose and convenience of sex. No emotions, no feelings involved at all. You contact this person for strictly only for one reason or purpose. There is no friendship, an extremely casual relationship.

Sidepieces

SPs now this is a recently new term. This status relates to men and women that allow themselves to be involved with men or women that are already in committed relationship including marriages. There is more commitment involved then the other statuses. Both parties usually know their place and their purpose. You reap all the benefits of a committed relationship but you send that person back to their wife, girlfriend, husband, boyfriend or significant other. The relationship is usually mutually beneficial for both parties. You have all the conveniences of a committed relationship but none of the headaches or messiness.

Mistress
Mistress is very similar to SP but the main difference is you reap more of the financial benefits. You are one step from being considered wifey. You are pretty much on-call. This relationship typically involves a married man and his other women. The other woman being his mistress.

Finally, thirsty and thirstiness. These terms do not mean that you are thirsty for something to drink but that you are thirsty for someone’s attention. You will go out of your way to gain the attention of someone or vice versa. You are willing to do whatever it takes even if it compromises who you are. It is very similar to being desperate for attention albeit a man or woman. This frown upon in the dating world and you should prevent being thirsty, “My friends!”

I hope this informed you on the various relationship statuses. These are mostly my own definitions and may not comply with how you define each one. What is your status? Only you can determine how you classify yourself and your worthiness. Do not allow other to determine your fate or worthiness.